Look, i have to talk about this. I don't understand why.... ah gee, this is going to be hard to explain...

Okay, so i have a friend, my best friend as a matter of fact. To lay it out plainly, he's about nine and a half years older than me and married. We see each other in Martial Arts about four days a week. We also see each other on another day when we go help our instructors out with housework. We also chat on the internet and text occasionally. He is the kind of person who is... for lack of better words, handsy, when it come to ppl he knows. So he'll hug me, put his head on my shoulder, pinch me...etc. That's just the kind of person he is. I'm sure you guys know at least one person who is like that.

Now, there are two sides to this... rift, i suppose.

Mutual friends and people who know us well...

They don't see anything wrong with us hanging out. We're friends... that's what friends do. We're not breaking any Commandmends. He's not being unfaithful or anything. He is handsy with a lot of his friends, as I mentioned before. Everyone needs to have someone they can talk to and rely on when the crap hits the fan and when the sun shines. Now, since these people are good friends of both of us, sure, they might be a little biased, but they know who we are and understand that we're doing nothing wrong.

My family and their friends...

This is the kicker. Yes, my own family is against me. My mom just broke into a random talk today at dinner (which inspired the poem I wrote as well as this entry.) She was saying pretty much the same thing she had been all along. It's just not right. Me hanging out with a married man is just not right. If he had any respect for my parents or for me, then he'd lay off. He's entirely too handsy with me. I shouldn't be spending time alone with him. I shouldn't be having as much contact as I do with him. I shouldn't be staying up late and talking on the net with him or texting him at all. One text is okay occasionally (one text? what kind of conversation is that?) I shouldn't be alone with him. He's a man, and it's not right. It looks bad when other people see me with him. I'm never going to get a boyfriend because people see him with me. It's not healthy for either of us. Mom is concerned. Dad is concerned. Keith (a parent friend of theirs from my dojo) is concerned. My mom's work friends don't think it's right. My brothers think he is "after me." Both of my brothers think we are having an affair or something preposterous like that. Apparently I'm wallowing in a bed of sin because I have a friend.

Rebuttal - So apparently, it's wrong for me to have a best friend. (no, you spend entirely way too much time with him... uh... in the past week, I went out with 6 friends, all guys, mind you. Then the following day I went out with one of them alone in a canoe. Then the day after that I went to a friend's wedding where I hung out with about 10 or 12 friends who I hadn't seen in a while. Earlier that week I had spend the entire day with my cousins from Cali. Oh yeah, and Sunday i'm hanging out with two friends who I hadn't seen in over six months. Yes, I see him at least four days a week... so sue me if we're both in the same martial arts class at the same time. It's not like I go there specifically to see my friends. I enjoy seeing them, but that's not why i'm there. I'm there to train and develop myself.)

It's wrong for me to talk to my friend. (no, you just need to talk to your other friends... um... generally at night, I'm talking to an average of three to four other ppl. Also, I don't stay up all night talking to him. Yes, I've stayed up late, but i've never stayed up all night with him. I've stayed up practically all night talking and webcamming with another friend, all the while i'm messaging with one or two more people. They don't know that though. they just think i talk to him all the time and have no friends.)

Having a friend that I hang out with a lot is going to prevent me from getting a boyfriend. (no, it's just that people will see you with him and think you are taken... taken?... okay, first off, I don't want a boyfriend right now. I'm not in a position to have one. I have a lot of other stuff going on, you know, important stuff like college, that i need to concentrate on. Having a boyfriend would just be distracting. Secondly, just because people see me with him doesn't mean that they think he's my boyfriend. That's an assumption. [well, most people are going to make that assumption... uh... that's an assumption too...] Thirdly, I don't need any help getting a boyfriend. I haven't tried to get one. yeah, there are some guy friends of mine that i wouldn't mind going on a date with, but they aren't asking and i'm not going to push them. That's just not me.)

Spending time with my friend is wrong. (no, you shouldn't be alone with him... why... what exactly do you think we're going to be doing alone? [it's not an issue of trust. we both trust you and we both like him... then why don't you leave us alone and let us make our own decisions?] I have to spend time in the car alone with him because I don't have a car myself. I can't drive somewhere because there is nothing for me to drive! When I go help my instructors, the only way I can get there is if he brings me because my parents are both at work and there aren't any other cars. excuse me for wanting to spend time with my friend outside of the dojo. my parents think that i socialize during class, but i can't! yes, i talk, but i'm training! i'm talking about training! I'm about to test for black sash... I'm not going to be lolly gagging when I have something that important to me on my plate.)

Apparently my friend has no respect for me or my parents. (you might not understand but he should understand that it's not right and lay off... what?!... first off, you just called me stupid. You think i don't understand. understand that it's not right?! by what standards?! is it wrong for me to have a friend? is it wrong for me to spend time with that friend? is it wrong for me to talk to that friend? Things would be completely different if it was someone else. If it was an unmarried friend that i was spending time with, if it was someone closer to my age. In fact, they would be encouraging me to date them! They are encouraging me to ditch him! Ditch him for what?! if it's not right, then it's wrong... so tell me, what's wrong about it???? [it just doesn't look right to other people. Make us look like we're bad parents... geesh... that's one of the most worldly comments i've ever heard. *literally slaps self in face for thinking about it* It's so stupid, I really don't even have a comment for it. Do you really think that he and I affect your reputation that much?! really? that's stupid. I'm sorry, but it is. As for my reputation, what's it matter? wait, no, how does it affect my reputation? I have a friend... oh, no... that's horrible. I'll be shunned for the rest of my life. reputation really doesn't matter that much. As long as I know who I am and my friends know who I am and God knows who I am, then what the heck does it matter what other ppl, who i'll probably never see ever again or have any contact with for the rest of my life, think? Seriously?!] So he's supposed to be mature enough to understand? So that means i'm not mature? or are you just saying i'm stupid. Cause they kinda are the same thing. you should know me. you should trust me like you say you do and trust me to be mature enough and responsible enough and smart enough (three things you've told me that I am all my life) to make my own decisions... right ones. I'm not looking to ruin my life. i'm not going to be making choices that lead me down that road. Let me be who I am. Who God designed me to be.)

Sigh...

Gee, I don't even know what else to say about it... there is so much more I could talk about, but everything is just so complicated and stupid. I just don't see where the wrong is in this? If they don't trust him, then they are inadvertantly not trusting me and my choice of friends. I have never given them a reason not to trust me. I don't understand what their problem is. Yeah, I could put myself in their shoes and think how i would feel if my daughter was great friends with a married man, but that's all they seem to see. they don't seem to realize who he is nor who I am nor how much of a living piece of crap they are putting me through! I feel betrayed by my own family. The same people that i'm supposed to be able to rely on through thick and thin are the same people who are stabbing me in the back. I feel like I should be part of some mafia syndicate crime drama on soap net. seriously... they are making the whole situation worse by talking about it. they should be backing me when other people talk, not encouraging them. they don't realize they are pushing me away by trying to draw me closer. the whole situation is backwards and upside down and i'm just plain sick of it.

I just keep having to remind myself that God has a plan for me and that he is taking care of everything. He's working in ways that I might not ever see, but he's working and that's all i need. the comfort that I have one person that will know everything and will be on my side no matter what is unbelievable. This is just one of the many trials that i'm going to have to face in my life, and as long as I stay strong in the Lord, I know He'll bring me through it. I'm not saying it's going to be easy, and i'm not saying that i'm not going to come out with a few scars. I'm saying that this is my life, and if anyone wants to come in and cause chaos, lay it on me. I've ready for war and backed my the Commander Himself. If you want to mess with me, you're going to be in over your head.

I'm sorry that was so long. I just want the people who care about me to know what's going on in my life right now... I'd love to hear your opinions, no matter what they are. No matter which side you're on, please, let me know how you feel.

I love you guys tons and am blessed to know all of you. Please, pray for me and my struggle... Please pray that I'll remain strong in the Lord. That's what i need the most.

God bless... hope you're not depressed after reading all that...



~Shelly~